The older you get, the faster the days, weeks and months go by. Years ago seems like just yesterday. You start on a path with much to travel ahead of you: then, one fine morning, that journey (or that part of it) is behind you.
The last five years, from my first hormone to today, have been like that. Many of my posts have covered that. The last year since my SRS has also been that way; the last year of posts have shown that. As a recent post on Vox (by Lily Carollo) explained, transition and surgery, have their own ups and downs. When the novelty of the early days of transition wears off, when the reality of daily life, the paperwork, the transactions, and, frankly, the blood and guts of post-op arrives, you find out what transition and post-transition (if there's such a thing) involves. And a year after my surgery, I can say with utmost confidence that I have no regrets about having it, or transitioning as a whole.
The world, of course, continues to be the world: with its convulsions and horrors and, sometimes, even still ... its moments of beauty. There have been many times in my life where I've felt as if I've had no filter when taking in information and energy (for lack of a better word) from the world around me, but this last little while, I feel I've begun to develop one. Simply put, when you know yourself, you take less. A time out (staycation, retreat, rest, etc.) is a time out ... period. I've learned, painfully at times, self-care and boundaries; interesting the things you can do when you're solidly in your body.
Internally, all of the usual suspects (depression, OCD, anxiety) are, naturally, still there to be contended with. And contending with them I am. I've uncovered deep emotional issues with food that I'm seeking help with. For years, I've used food as a substitute for company ... for affection, and it's led to some unhealthy habits which I'm confronting and hoping to overcome and change. I'm also a hoarder for much the same reasons. I hope to be able to make more space for others in my life. I aim to live healthier and happier, treating myself better, than I use to.
Just over a year ago, I posted an anti-Valentine's Day piece. I'd like to amend it. I'm not anti-Valentines; I'm also in no hurry. Life is short and often I think, there's nothing in the world I would like more then to be with someone: but, at forty-five years of age, I'm willing to take my time; the dating/relationship rat race ended a long time ago.
I didn't do much gardening last year, until October anyway, as I was either at home recuperating or gradually settling back into work. But, I still dream of the country and living sustainably off the land. I'm beginning to think that that's my next "career": farming and writing. Someday soon, going with him, someday soon ...
Writing these posts used to seem so easy, but over the past year or so, they have seemed more like long, painful births. They include equal parts melancholy and joy; nostalgia and an accelerating forward. I have tried post pieces that will give readers a taste of my own mind, before, during and after transition (which never ends, I keep forgetting). I hope I have done that.
And now I ride off into the sunset of the rest of my life ...
No comments:
Post a Comment